Comments for Deaf - Hearing Relationship http://deafhearing.wordpress.com Fri, 28 Aug 2009 16:58:56 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 Comment on A Deaf Centered Relationship by Julia Shumko http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2007/04/30/a-deaf-centered-relationship/#comment-763 Julia Shumko Fri, 28 Aug 2009 16:58:56 +0000 http://a1wholesalegifts.com/blog/2007/04/30/a-deaf-centered-relationship/#comment-763 Rick, thank you for your post and I am sorry you are having problems with your marriage. I will agree that a deaf - hearing marriage is challenging, but I've seen worse marriages that survived. My only advice for you is to stop seeing your wife as disabled. She is not. My husband is only occasionally challenging but we both have a good sense of humor. My biggest challenge is hearing people who do not know how to communicate with him and expect me to do it. I have had to learn how to be firm with everyone. That is my challenge. I hope things get better for you. Take care. Julia Rick, thank you for your post and I am sorry you are having problems with your marriage. I will agree that a deaf – hearing marriage is challenging, but I’ve seen worse marriages that survived.

My only advice for you is to stop seeing your wife as disabled. She is not.

My husband is only occasionally challenging but we both have a good sense of humor. My biggest challenge is hearing people who do not know how to communicate with him and expect me to do it. I have had to learn how to be firm with everyone. That is my challenge.

I hope things get better for you. Take care.

Julia

]]> Comment on A Deaf Centered Relationship by Rick Marshall http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2007/04/30/a-deaf-centered-relationship/#comment-762 Rick Marshall Fri, 28 Aug 2009 15:09:26 +0000 http://a1wholesalegifts.com/blog/2007/04/30/a-deaf-centered-relationship/#comment-762 I am a hearing male with a deaf wife. Dealing with her handicap is a great burden. The handicap becomes mine, because I love to talk and communicate, but I can't with her. It frustrates me. She's has hearing parents and only reads lips. She has a very small vocabulary and has no grasp of repertoire, small talk, euphemism, figurative talk, humor, being facetious. I can talk for hours, but she’s lost after a few words. Even after 14 years of marriage, almost every conversation ends in hurt feelings from miscommunication. We've been in counseling for years. The first seven years, we created Hell for each other. The following seven years we oscillated between thinking we can do this and thinking we can't wait to get out. We have two great kids and we will stay together until they leave the home. I beg anyone interested in dating a deaf/handicapped person to consider the following: You are sacrificing a part of yourself to be with that person. At first, you're happy to do it, everyone thinks you're a saint, but soon the accolades stop and you realize that you're missing a part of yourself - something important that defines you. Do you enjoy moon lit walks in the evening? Not anymore. Do you like the stars shining into your room at night? Not anymore. Do you like being funny? Do you like to whistle? Do you like to dance? Not anymore. You won’t know what you’re giving up until it’s too late. You will pay a price for your sacrifice and get nothing in return, not even a thankful spouse. Why? Because of what you, the healthy one, represents to your disabled spouse. You represent normal to your spouse. If she is as good as you, then she is as good as normal. You become the standard of measure to beat. For her self esteem, she needs to break you down in order to build herself up. My wife found every fault I had and told the world. She nicknamed me blonde and made fun of me at every chance. She wanted me and everyone else to know that she wouldn’t make my mistakes. If she could just hear, she would be better than me – better than normal. But don’t you go and point out her mistakes, you meanie. Everything she does is designed to make her look good. She will sacrifice nothing for you. I’ve asked my wife to put me first and she absolutely refuses. A second insurmountable obstacle is, you are plan B. Most deaf people feel compelled to find meaning in their handicap. Why did God make me this way? So that I would strive to be the best WHATEVER and inspire other handicapped people. By the time you come around, they’ve already devoted 20 years and most of their parents’ money into plan A. My wife’s A plan was to be the first deaf equestrian gold medalist. I was simply a means (financier) to get there. Don’t think plan A will pass like a phase. It only morphs into other ideas like first deaf equestrian trainer. Plan B doesn’t have the same luster and never quite catches on. You are stuck, not able to develop you, not able to consider your dreams, in a marriage that is unfulfilling. I thought kids would change my wife’s self-centeredness and bring us closer. We had many fights over it, and I had threatened to leave before she agreed. You see, to her kids meant the end of her Olympic dreams, loss of purpose in her deafness, settling for plan B. In her mind, she was just a stay-at-home deaf mom, less than average. She will take her frustrations out on you. In our relationships, kids became one more thing placed above me in importance. If they’re not willing to put you first at the start of the relationship, then go no further. Find someone else. Do it sooner rather than later. The longer you wait the harder it becomes. If you dredge on, you won’t be happy. You're not who you want to be and you never will be. That divide in your psyche creates anxiety. It builds until you have a nervous breakdown, complete with panic attacks, and you spend the rest of your life in therapy taking anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills. I know, because it has happened to me. Let me put it another way. A normal healthy marriage has two people each with two legs eagerly supporting the marriage. These four legs hold up the marriage like a table. When life sweeps one of those legs out, the remaining three continue to sustain the marriage. When you marry a deaf person they bring only one leg to the marriage table, and they don’t intend to use it. You know this, accept it, and believe your two legs are strong enough to sustain the two of you. But you’re wrong. No table can stand with only two legs. The day will come when life breaks one of your legs, along with your ego, and the marriage will topple. Deaf/handicapped people do not marry hearing people expecting to carry the load. Hearing people that marry deaf expect to carry the load, but can’t. The divorce rate for the deaf is 90%. I am a hearing male with a deaf wife. Dealing with her handicap is a great burden. The handicap becomes mine, because I love to talk and communicate, but I can’t with her. It frustrates me. She’s has hearing parents and only reads lips. She has a very small vocabulary and has no grasp of repertoire, small talk, euphemism, figurative talk, humor, being facetious. I can talk for hours, but she’s lost after a few words. Even after 14 years of marriage, almost every conversation ends in hurt feelings from miscommunication. We’ve been in counseling for years. The first seven years, we created Hell for each other. The following seven years we oscillated between thinking we can do this and thinking we can’t wait to get out. We have two great kids and we will stay together until they leave the home. I beg anyone interested in dating a deaf/handicapped person to consider the following: You are sacrificing a part of yourself to be with that person. At first, you’re happy to do it, everyone thinks you’re a saint, but soon the accolades stop and you realize that you’re missing a part of yourself – something important that defines you. Do you enjoy moon lit walks in the evening? Not anymore. Do you like the stars shining into your room at night? Not anymore. Do you like being funny? Do you like to whistle? Do you like to dance? Not anymore. You won’t know what you’re giving up until it’s too late. You will pay a price for your sacrifice and get nothing in return, not even a thankful spouse. Why? Because of what you, the healthy one, represents to your disabled spouse. You represent normal to your spouse. If she is as good as you, then she is as good as normal. You become the standard of measure to beat. For her self esteem, she needs to break you down in order to build herself up. My wife found every fault I had and told the world. She nicknamed me blonde and made fun of me at every chance. She wanted me and everyone else to know that she wouldn’t make my mistakes. If she could just hear, she would be better than me – better than normal. But don’t you go and point out her mistakes, you meanie. Everything she does is designed to make her look good. She will sacrifice nothing for you. I’ve asked my wife to put me first and she absolutely refuses.
A second insurmountable obstacle is, you are plan B. Most deaf people feel compelled to find meaning in their handicap. Why did God make me this way? So that I would strive to be the best WHATEVER and inspire other handicapped people. By the time you come around, they’ve already devoted 20 years and most of their parents’ money into plan A. My wife’s A plan was to be the first deaf equestrian gold medalist. I was simply a means (financier) to get there. Don’t think plan A will pass like a phase. It only morphs into other ideas like first deaf equestrian trainer. Plan B doesn’t have the same luster and never quite catches on.
You are stuck, not able to develop you, not able to consider your dreams, in a marriage that is unfulfilling. I thought kids would change my wife’s self-centeredness and bring us closer. We had many fights over it, and I had threatened to leave before she agreed. You see, to her kids meant the end of her Olympic dreams, loss of purpose in her deafness, settling for plan B. In her mind, she was just a stay-at-home deaf mom, less than average. She will take her frustrations out on you. In our relationships, kids became one more thing placed above me in importance. If they’re not willing to put you first at the start of the relationship, then go no further. Find someone else. Do it sooner rather than later. The longer you wait the harder it becomes. If you dredge on, you won’t be happy. You’re not who you want to be and you never will be. That divide in your psyche creates anxiety. It builds until you have a nervous breakdown, complete with panic attacks, and you spend the rest of your life in therapy taking anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills. I know, because it has happened to me. Let me put it another way. A normal healthy marriage has two people each with two legs eagerly supporting the marriage. These four legs hold up the marriage like a table. When life sweeps one of those legs out, the remaining three continue to sustain the marriage. When you marry a deaf person they bring only one leg to the marriage table, and they don’t intend to use it. You know this, accept it, and believe your two legs are strong enough to sustain the two of you. But you’re wrong. No table can stand with only two legs. The day will come when life breaks one of your legs, along with your ego, and the marriage will topple. Deaf/handicapped people do not marry hearing people expecting to carry the load. Hearing people that marry deaf expect to carry the load, but can’t. The divorce rate for the deaf is 90%.

]]> Comment on So You Think You Can Sign by nanette Secor http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2008/12/26/so-you-think-you-can-sign/#comment-755 nanette Secor Mon, 04 May 2009 17:27:06 +0000 http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/?p=549#comment-755 I want know to ask you that sign for edify. do you have an idea lds dictonary as 2008 or sign viedo for dictonary? Thank you Nanette I want know to ask you that sign for edify.
do you have an idea lds dictonary as 2008
or sign viedo for dictonary?
Thank you
Nanette

]]> Comment on I Love VRS Interpreters by Laura http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/i-love-vrs-interpreters/#comment-750 Laura Thu, 16 Apr 2009 03:40:18 +0000 http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/?p=563#comment-750 I just stumbled across your blog and I am so excited. I just started learning ASL and I love the idea of using the BoM. I also appreciate your perspective as a woman trying to bridge the cultural/linguistic gap. I hope you will keep posting when you get a chance! I just stumbled across your blog and I am so excited. I just started learning ASL and I love the idea of using the BoM. I also appreciate your perspective as a woman trying to bridge the cultural/linguistic gap. I hope you will keep posting when you get a chance!

]]> Comment on What I Hate About “Interpreting” by Julia http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2008/12/31/what-i-hate-about-%e2%80%9cinterpreting%e2%80%9d/#comment-749 Julia Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:34:07 +0000 http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/?p=555#comment-749 If you are interpreting out of fear of offending your friends, then you are not doing it for the right reason, and you will soon become burned out. You must decide to either interpret because you enjoy doing this for them, or allow your friends the opportunity to learn how to communicate when you are not around. Do a little of both when you are around (read my latest post about VRS interpreters) and have fun. I think you will find that everyone, including yourself, will have a much more enjoyable adventure. If you are interpreting out of fear of offending your friends, then you are not doing it for the right reason, and you will soon become burned out. You must decide to either interpret because you enjoy doing this for them, or allow your friends the opportunity to learn how to communicate when you are not around. Do a little of both when you are around (read my latest post about VRS interpreters) and have fun. I think you will find that everyone, including yourself, will have a much more enjoyable adventure.

]]> Comment on What I Hate About “Interpreting” by JJ HIL http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2008/12/31/what-i-hate-about-%e2%80%9cinterpreting%e2%80%9d/#comment-748 JJ HIL Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:10:35 +0000 http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/?p=555#comment-748 :-) Frustration understood, to a limited degree... I'm actually training to become an interpreter, but have found myself getting a bit irritable about being the 'communication channel' for casual things, like wandering a mall with my deaf companion where every shop clerk wants to be helpful and you have two people looking at you expectantly when you were hoping to just have a relaxing day out with a friend... I have to admit to the temptation to 'play deaf', but it's not worth offending my friends... :-) Frustration understood, to a limited degree… I’m actually training to become an interpreter, but have found myself getting a bit irritable about being the ‘communication channel’ for casual things, like wandering a mall with my deaf companion where every shop clerk wants to be helpful and you have two people looking at you expectantly when you were hoping to just have a relaxing day out with a friend… I have to admit to the temptation to ‘play deaf’, but it’s not worth offending my friends…

]]> Comment on Interpreting in Church by Mrs. Reynolds http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2006/03/11/interpreting-in-church/#comment-747 Mrs. Reynolds Sun, 12 Apr 2009 05:20:35 +0000 http://a1wholesalegifts.com/blog/2006/03/11/interpreting-in-church/#comment-747 I totally understand what you mean. Right now I am interpreting for an older gentleman in my parents ward while I am living with them for a few months. Anyway I only interpret sacrament meeting for him because 3 hours straight just is so tiring plus I have a 4 month old son to take care of. This ward is the one I grew up in and this deaf man has been attending this ward most if not all of his life and until last month has NEVER had an interpreter for church. His signing skills are not wonderful (because he has no one to sign with) but he is so excited to be able to understand even part of the talks and prayers during sacrament meeting. What I can't believe is that no one besides one sister has even attempted to learn sign language to communicative with him. Its amazing that he knows as much sign as he does and he is always excited to learn more from our occasional interactions. I hopefully will soon get him to a deaf branch that is about 30 min away so that he can meet other Deaf people and be able to learn and understand all 3 hours of church. I totally understand what you mean. Right now I am interpreting for an older gentleman in my parents ward while I am living with them for a few months. Anyway I only interpret sacrament meeting for him because 3 hours straight just is so tiring plus I have a 4 month old son to take care of.

This ward is the one I grew up in and this deaf man has been attending this ward most if not all of his life and until last month has NEVER had an interpreter for church. His signing skills are not wonderful (because he has no one to sign with) but he is so excited to be able to understand even part of the talks and prayers during sacrament meeting. What I can’t believe is that no one besides one sister has even attempted to learn sign language to communicative with him. Its amazing that he knows as much sign as he does and he is always excited to learn more from our occasional interactions. I hopefully will soon get him to a deaf branch that is about 30 min away so that he can meet other Deaf people and be able to learn and understand all 3 hours of church.

]]> Comment on Bearing My Testimony in the Deaf Ward by Lucette CECE http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2008/08/08/bearing-my-testimony-in-the-deaf-ward/#comment-745 Lucette CECE Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:53:58 +0000 http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/?p=463#comment-745 i am french female from Paris, France, i am deaf and i talk with my hands (i am used the langue des signes française / french signs language ). my english is not perfect but i understand well your wrote english. i am alone in the hearing ward with a hard and hearing friend who have not too problems of communication with our french sisters-brethers. i know that God lives. He Loves Us All, hearing or deaf people. and i know that Jesus Christ is our Savior because to His Atonement and that He saved us of the eternal death. At the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen ! Lucette, deaf female in the hearing ward of Paris. i am french female from Paris, France, i am deaf and i talk with my hands (i am used the langue des signes française / french signs language ).
my english is not perfect but i understand well your wrote english.
i am alone in the hearing ward with a hard and hearing friend who have not too problems of communication with our french sisters-brethers.
i know that God lives. He Loves Us All, hearing or deaf people. and i know that Jesus Christ is our Savior because to His Atonement and that He saved us of the eternal death. At the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen ! Lucette, deaf female in the hearing ward of Paris.

]]> Comment on I Love VRS Interpreters by Julia Shumko http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/i-love-vrs-interpreters/#comment-742 Julia Shumko Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:45:14 +0000 http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/?p=563#comment-742 Hi Mallory, Go to http://www.deaflds.org. There you will find information for Deaf Wards all over the world. Here is the info for Provo: Utah Valley (Deaf) Ward. 835 South 500 West, Provo, UT 84601 (801) 370-6832 V/TTY Sunday Schedule: 11:00 am–2:00 pm (Sac mtg, SS, PH/RS) Some day Steve and I will visit that ward. Maybe we will see you there. Julia Hi Mallory,

Go to http://www.deaflds.org. There you will find information for Deaf Wards all over the world. Here is the info for Provo:

Utah Valley (Deaf) Ward.
835 South 500 West, Provo, UT 84601
(801) 370-6832 V/TTY

Sunday Schedule:
11:00 am–2:00 pm (Sac mtg, SS, PH/RS)

Some day Steve and I will visit that ward. Maybe we will see you there.

Julia

]]> Comment on I Love VRS Interpreters by Mallory http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/i-love-vrs-interpreters/#comment-741 Mallory Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:31:25 +0000 http://deafhearing.wordpress.com/?p=563#comment-741 Hi! I need some help. I came across your blog because I was using google to find a deaf ward in Provo Utah, and a post you wrote a wile back lead me here. I am hearing, and I have fallen in love with sign language. I had taken a couple classes when I lived in AZ, but we have moved to Provo Utah now, and im a stay at home mom so I have less time to be taking college classes. I really want to find someone that teaches sign language in the evenings or even during the day where I can take my baby. Or even an LDS ward where I can sign with others to help refresh what I already know, and to learn more. You may not be able to help me, but I thought that it couldn’t hurt to ask :) I love learning from others, instead of watching DVD's so any help that you have about the Deaf community here in Utah would be so helpful. Thank you for your time!! Mallory Hi!
I need some help. I came across your blog because I was using google to find a deaf ward in Provo Utah, and a post you wrote a wile back lead me here. I am hearing, and I have fallen in love with sign language. I had taken a couple classes when I lived in AZ, but we have moved to Provo Utah now, and im a stay at home mom so I have less time to be taking college classes. I really want to find someone that teaches sign language in the evenings or even during the day where I can take my baby. Or even an LDS ward where I can sign with others to help refresh what I already know, and to learn more. You may not be able to help me, but I thought that it couldn’t hurt to ask :) I love learning from others, instead of watching DVD’s so any help that you have about the Deaf community here in Utah would be so helpful. Thank you for your time!!
Mallory

]]>