First Date

I met my husband, Steve, on the internet about three years before we were married. We chatted for a few weeks and then lost touch. I had chatted with so many men, he was just another one of them. After a few months, I started chatting with another man whose name is Steve and is partially deaf. We had a lot in common, and I thought for sure he was the one for me. He lived in Arkansas and I happened to get a job in Boston. So I agreed to go see him on my way to Boston. He turned out to be a royal jerk. I left him in tears.

A few months later, I somehow “bumped into” my husband again on the internet. We chatted quite a bit and decided to meet. I was still in Boston and he lived in New Jersey. He said there was something he had to tell me before we met. “I am deaf.” You can imagine, I was thrown a bit. Could this be the same Steve? But he didn’t live in Arkansas.

He drove up to Boston and we met at a theater to see the movie “Titanic”. This was not the same Steve. When the movie started, I suddenly realized he was not going to be able to hear it. I expressed my concern and he said, “It’s ok. I knew you wanted to see this. I can just watch it with you.” I was deeply touched and knew this was a special man. (I told this story to someone and she said he was a Saint to sit through a 3 hour snooze he couldn’t even hear.) It’s like I was suppose to meet a man named Steve who is deaf, but I had the wrong one at first. We were married a few months later after my job in Boston was over, and then he joined the LDS Church.

He continually amazes me with his ability to sense my feelings and read my mind. I do not know if all deaf people have this capability or if it’s because he is my husband, or a combination of both. But what does it matter? I have a husband who loves and understands ME.

Finding a Job (or Not)

When Steve and I were married, he sold the home he had lived in all of his life, quit his job, found a new home for his brother, and moved to Utah. After spending many years chasing men away, I could hardly believe anyone would make that kind of sacrifice for me. He was concerned though about finding a job in Utah. Since I had no idea how deaf people can be treated, and knowing his intelligence and skills, I convinced him he would have no problem finding a job in Utah.

For over three years, he used every resource he could think of to find a job, including me. The Deaf Center provided job coaches, a couple of which were incompetent according to Steve. He built up quite a large file of employment applicatons, interview notes, and other documentation. I often went with him to interpret and talked to employers on his behalf. It was an eye opener for me, to see how deaf people are treated by employers. The first time someone hinted he did not want to hire a deaf person, I was upset. The next time, I got more upset. One time an employer just came right out and said, “I do not want to hire a deaf person.”

The final straw was when he and two other deaf men went to a public job fair that an employer was having. The Deaf Center provided a job coach to attend the fair with them. When they arrived at the place, they sat in back of the room along with the other participants. Just before the meeting started, the officiator noticed these people in back signing to each other. She approached them and told them they needed to wait outside the room. She then shut the door, and they waited wondering what was going on. After a few minutes she came out and told them they would have to talk to the company’s legal department and they could not attend the meeting. Steve was angry and felt he needed to do something about this discrimination, especially since this was such a large corporation.

With the help of a disability lawyer and an investigation, they discovered the company had a policy that said people who are blind or deaf had to apply for jobs through the company’s legal department. The lawyer said this was a smoking gun and notified the EEOC. In the end, the company offered Steve a small settlement of $30,000 and agreed to change their policy as required by the EEOC. (Unfortunately, the lawyer had to get his share of the money.) Part of the settlement was to not disclose the name of the company, so I cannot mention it.

He was so worn out from the lawsuit and everything that went with it, he pretty much gave up looking for a job. I am so disheartened by the way he was treated, I do not mention “job” to him at all. We are not starving and if he wants to try again, he will. I know it is difficult for employers to communicate with deaf people when there is no interpreter, but it would be nice if they would at least give him a chance.

Struggles at Church

Steve has been deaf since seven years old, when he contracted meningitis. The antibiotics caused a 97% hearing loss in both ears. Because his parents could not afford a deaf school, he attended a public school and was expected to understand and learn along with the other children. The experience turned him off to any kind of classroom setting with hearing people.

We were married Oct. 9, 1999, and prior to that, I had not had any associations with deaf people. When we dated, I wrote notes and he talked to me. I gradually learned how to sign by using video tapes and of course, my husband. I’m still lousy at it.

We attend a hearing ward for the LDS Church. It has been understandably a struggle for him to understand what is taught. I get exhausted after attempting to interpret for even a few minutes. I have made suggestions to leaders and teachers, and I know the Stake President is concerned. They were trying to find someone who can interpret as a calling, but interpreters are hard to find. Neither of us want to be a burden for them, so we do the best we can. Steve is more understanding of the situation than I am.

He started to attend the Gospel Doctrine class, but he ended up just reading the manuals. It seemed silly when he could read them at home, so he stopped going. He said that when he was in Priesthood Meeting, one of the teachers wrote everything on the board in order to help him understand what was being said. I guess some of the other men complained that the class was going too slow. So he stopped going to that meeting also.

Now we only attend Sacrament Meeting and I interpret for him as best I can. I suggested one time that whoever gives the talk, could make a copy of whatever notes they have, but that suggestion has never happened. I point to the words when we sing, and point to the words of the Sacrament prayers in the scriptures. He often reads the scriptures during talks when I appear worn out. He is incredibly sensitive to my feelings on this.

Several weeks ago, the ward started a Gospel Principles class, and I suggested to him he might want to attend this class. There are only about ten people who attend and Gospel Princples is easier to understand than Gospel Doctrine. He is hesitant but is willing to give it a try. I have talked to the teacher to get his view and explained that if he cannot see it, he will not understand it. The class will be slower paced and people will have to be patient. If he feels lost, it may not be worth it for him.

Most of the people in our ward are accepting of us as we sign to each other. I wonder though if the leaders are a little over confident in my ability to interpret. I feel that although attending all of our meetings is a requirement for full activity in the Church, the Lord understands why it sometimes is a struggle.

You Have to be Deaf to Understand – A poem written by Willard J. Madsen, professor at Gallaudet University

What is it like to “hear” a hand?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What is it like to be a small child,
In a school, in a room void of sound —
With a teacher who talks and talks and talks;
And then when she does come around to you,
She expects you to know what she’s said?
You have to be deaf to understand.

Or the teacher thinks that to make you smart,
You must first learn how to talk with your voice;
So mumbo-jumbo with hands on your face
For hours and hours without patience or end,
Until out comes a faint resembling sound?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What is it like to be curious,
To thirst for knowledge you can call your own,
With an inner desire that’s set on fire —
And you ask a brother, sister, or friend
Who looks in answer and says, “Never Mind”?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What it is like in a corner to stand,
Though there’s nothing you’ve done really wrong,
Other than try to make use of your hands
To a silent peer to communicate
A thought that comes to your mind all at once?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What is it like to be shouted at
When one thinks that will help you to hear;
Or misunderstand the words of a friend
Who is trying to make a joke clear,
And you don’t get the point because he’s failed?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What is it like to be laughed in the face
When you try to repeat what is said;
Just to make sure that you’ve understood,
And you find that the words were misread —
And you want to cry out, “Please help me, friend”?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What is it like to have to depend
Upon one who can hear to phone a friend;
Or place a call to a business firm
And be forced to share what’s personal, and,
Then find that your message wasn’t made clear?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What is it like to be deaf and alone
In the company of those who can hear —
And you only guess as you go along,
For no one’s there with a helping hand,
As you try to keep up with words and song?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What is it like on the road of life
To meet with a stranger who opens his mouth —
And speaks out a line at a rapid pace;
And you can’t understand the look in his face
Because it is new and you’re lost in the race?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What is it like to comprehend
Some nimble fingers that paint the scene,
And make you smile and feel serene,
With the “spoken word” of the moving hand
That makes you part of the word at large?
You have to be deaf to understand.

What is it like to “hear” a hand?
Yes, you have to be deaf to understand.